(*Note – this is not disparaging of masculine energy which is vital and exciting and penetrating – it’s a discussion of how sex has come to look one way, with one outcome, and ignores many paths to pleasure while it puts all the pressure on the masculine energy.)

Since the first nude sexual pictures and drawings were circulated, humans have been learning about sexuality through other people’s depictions. As pornography has become common place in our culture today, many of us have not had the example of affectionate loving parents, or sensitive sexual education, or open non-judgmental discussion among peers.

If sex education is offered to today’s youth, it is usually a rudimentary depiction of the outermost sexual organs and their role in procreation, devoid of any information about sensuality, mindset, compatibility or the complicated nature of arousal.

The truth is our culture focuses on a masculine-focused “norm” where sex is a linear progression to a specific goal with loss of interest after orgasm, often leaving the feminine wondering what just happened or where she can find pleasure.

It’s no place to find the kind of deep, enduring orgasms the body is capable of feeling. It doesn’t offer the safety necessary to openly express raging desire. And it’s not a learning ground for expansion into the spiritual through sexual energy. (Nuns weren’t confined to nunneries because they were pious, but because their profound devotion to spirit sent them into ecstatic expression – how embarrassing for the church!)

Our culture trains women to focus on their partner’s satisfaction and ignore their own; shames women who do not respond like porn stars (who are actually acting based on the direction of a (most often) male director guessing what would turn him on); and ignores the great vastness of women’s experience and desire.

Even the so-called “porn for and by women” sites are the same old crap, but with better looking actors to interest women. Often, it feels doubly betraying to have women push the old “norm.”

Listen to the common language of sex today:

• Baseball!! The goal is to round the bases – first, second, third and home. But what if home doesn’t provide fulfillment? What if you need five bases to fully build desire and excitement? Or 20? What if the bases are randomly scattered all over the field? Or if you and your partner want to stay in the exquisite feelings found at base 13? Or if you and your partner never discover some of the bases?

 

• Words like score, win, points, cross the finish line, take it, ride her, tame her, scale the mountain, finish strong, get off, get “some”, mount her, in the saddle… None of these words lead a masculine energy to fully experience his pleasure because he’s so busy trying to control it.

 

• This “winning” or linear approach can translate into extreme pressure for males. There’s only one way and one shot at success! The most common suggestion women have for better sex is slowing down. (Men can be ready for intercourse in a matter of a few minutes; women can feel ready after 20, 30, 40 or 50 minutes. Or longer.) The rush and forward drive of the typical sexual blueprint also depends on maintaining an erection which can provoke anxiety for both partners. In Tantric Sex, an erection may or may not be present for significant parts of a sexual encounter.

The feminine brings creativity, circular energy, inclusivity and connection to sex. When the feminine feels excitement wane, it simply circles back and finds it again, without any judgment. Following the energy of arousal can be a wonderful, playful journey by itself.

Conscious Sexuality values every moment and recognizes it as important, regardless of the blueprint once imprinted in our minds.

One of the most beautiful things about this type of sexuality is it’s never the same. It never becomes boring. Both partners are consumed by the moment, curious about the next moment, in a state of discovery.

It unfolds and expands over time, thoroughly welcoming evolving ways to connect, changing bodies, and new turn-ons and erotic triggers.

Conscious Sexuality is like living in a constant state of semi-arousal and discovery.

Partners release fears, anxieties and hang-ups, and open to pleasure in deeper ways. Orgasm expands to new heights and depths and we connect to soul.